Psychotherapy is the process by which a person becomes more conscious, more aware, about who he really is, how he acts in life, and what the repercussions of his actions are. In this way his conflicts become clearer and he can modify the way he relates to others and to the world, so that he can find inner peace.
There are several schools of psychology with similar or different techniques, all of them aiming to alleviate the unnecessary suffering and to strengthen the self confidence.
Human beings, besides our more or less neurotic conflicts, are full of false beliefs and idealizations. We also have the bad habit of deceiving ourselves, in order to avoid being responsible for our own actions. The problem is that the more we try to hide, excuse, manipulate or pretend who we really are, in our relations to others or to our own selves, the more we become confused and anxious. We just increase our insecurity and the lack of self confidence. It is extremely difficult to play a role or pretend all the time.
Among our false beliefs, there is one well settled: the one telling us that we can become our ideal. First of all, ideal beings do not exist, only in our minds, in religions (saints, martyrs..), films and literature (the hero, the rescuer, the winner, the invulnerable…) and in arts in general. These are just desires of the human race, impossible to reach and therefore absurd. Trying to reach these ideals only brings desperation.
The real suffering in life is unavoidable, and nobody escapes from it. We have to accept it and wait until it passes. Losses, separations and deaths of loving ones are the kind of life sufferings we cannot avoid. They provoke a natural sadness and we all go through them. But if we add the imagined, fantasized and neurotic suffering, then life becomes sometimes unbearable.
Mental and emotional health depends on the degree of acceptance we have about ourselves, knowing that we are not perfect and can never reach perfection. Besides, it is not necessary in order to have a pleasant and productive life.
Thus, the psychotherapy is a journey into the life of the patient, accompanied by the therapist, in order to discover who hides behind the appearance. In order for it to be successful we need the collaboration of our patients and their wish to start such a journey. Otherwise no professional can help us. We are no gods or clairvoyants, we need our patients to share their secrets with us, so that we can understand their sufferings and try to find a way out.
Hay muchas escuelas de psicología y cada una tiene unas técnicas, a veces similares y a veces distintas. Sin embargo el fin es siempre el alivio del sufrimiento innecesario y el fortalecimiento de la confianza en uno mismo.
Los seres humanos, aparte de nuestros conflictos más o menos neuróticos, estamos llenos de falsas creencias y de idealizaciones. También tenemos la mala costumbre de auto engañarnos para así no ser responsables de nuestros actos. El problema es que cuanto más intentamos tapar, excusar, manipular o disimular quienes somos en realidad, frente a los demás o frente a nosotros mismos, más confusión y angustia nos provocamos. Solo acentuamos la inseguridad, la falta de confianza en nosotros mismos, pues es muy difícil jugar un papel todo el tiempo.
De entre las falsas creencias hay una muy asentada y es aquella que nos dice que podemos alcanzar nuestro yo ideal. La primera falsa creencia es que hay seres ideales, cuando esa palabra es un derivado de idea, no de realidad. El ser ideal esta en las religiones (los santos, los mártires), en las películas, la literatura y el arte en general (el héroe, el salvador, el controlador, el invulnerable, etc..), pero eso son sólo anhelos del ser humano, imposibles de alcanzar y por tanto absurdos. Cuanto más intentamos alcanzar ese ideal, mas nos desesperamos.
La vida acarrea sufrimiento y del sufrimiento real, nadie nos puede aliviar, sólo hay que aceptarlo y esperar a que pase. Las pérdidas, la separación, la muerte de nuestros seres queridos, son sufrimientos propios de la vida, que nos provocan tristeza y todos pasamos por ello. Pero si además añadimos los inventados, imaginados, neuróticos, entonces la vida se nos hace insoportable.
La salud mental, el equilibrio emocional, está en relación con el grado de aceptación que tengamos de nosotros mismos, a sabiendas de que no somos perfectos ni lo podemos ser. Además de que no es necesario para llevar una vida agradable y productiva.
Así la psicoterapia se convierte en un viaje por la vida del paciente, acompañado por el profesional, para ir descubriendo quién se esconde detrás del personaje. Para ello naturalmente se necesita la colaboración y el deseo del paciente de hacer ese viaje. Si no es así, entonces ningún profesional puede ayudarnos. No somos dioses, ni videntes, necesitamos que nuestros pacientes vayan desvelándonos sus secretos para así entender los motivos de su sufrimiento y buscar una salida.
Intelligence is a capacity that should serve to progress in life and attain the inner wellbeing. However human beings are full of false beliefs, from pure self deceiving to religious beliefs and these myths and taboos are many a time responsible for restraining the development of our intelligence, instead of using it in an efficient way.
False beliefs have a lot to do with lack of information or simple stupidity. I call it stupidity because these beliefs are sustained in spite of contrary evidence. For example the myth that we should not eat much in the evening because we will not sleep well. If we look at the animal behaviour or simply the Spanish habit of having a siesta (highly recommended by doctors!?), we can see that the wish to rest after meals is quite natural and healthy. Another thing is that the food we ingested was not good for our stomach, but then we are talking about digestion, not about resting. Another false belief that causes a lot of distress is that all parents have always good intentions, even if they are mistreating their children or abusing them sexually. How do we know about the intentions of the human beings? The fact of being a parent does not make us good people.
False beliefs have a lot to do with culture and upbringing. For example in the Muslim cultures eating pork meat is prohibited. These are very hot countries and pork meat deteriorates very quickly. In the beginning it was only a health measure that in the course of time became a religious belief. Fastening for Catholics has a similar origin. The transgression of such a taboo provokes guilt feelings and remorse and in such a state the individual cannot use his intelligence to decide.
Another very common false belief is that babies and small children “don’t realize anything”. There are many studies showing the opposite, but the false belief prevails. What is true is that small children cannot reason and their conscience I not yet formed, but it is very false to believe that they do not get affected by our actions. And because they cannot reason, whatever happens to them will be recorded by their brains, with positive or negative consequences in adulthood. So whatever parents and grown ups in general tell them will stay as a truth, even if it is a stupidity. If we tell a child, for example that he is naughty or incapable just because he made a mistake, he will still believe it when he grows up even if evidence demonstrates the contrary. This false belief, that he is incapable together with the evidence that it is not true, increases the feeling of anxiety, a feeling that stops the development of intelligence. This person will not dare to start a project, or an idea, because the fear to fail or simply to make a mistake paralyzes him.
Believing in absolutes is also false. There is no hundred percent in human behaviour. Neither in love, or hate or beauty, or intelligence, these are only desires. An individual can only reach a goal if this goal is possible, he is got the potential for it, put his strength to get it and the circumstances are favourable. A person wanting to reach perfection is following a path of unnecessary frustration and pain, perfection does not belong to this world. Every human being has limits, we all have a breaking point. There are no people with unlimited capacities. Intelligence should be put to the service of analyzing what are the gains and losses when we exceed our limits.
The “magic path” is another false belief. Many people believe that wishing something together with the so called “good luck” is enough to obtain what they want. They do not make any efforts or prepare the path so that it happens. Consequences are them frustration and self hatred. And if they meet somebody with a more pleasant life, they believe they had good luck, instead of thinking about the effort and perseverance that allowed that person to have reached that state. People assume things without having the necessary information to judge. Or just the opposite, a person who is convinced of having bad luck, will not change his perspective or attitude, even more, he pays very much attention to anything negative happening to him, as to confirm his belief and disregards the positive side of his life and the opportunities that he did let go.
The “magic path” includes also the excessive intake of drugs or alcohol, as a means to forget or diminish anxiety. Momentarily we can feel that sensation, but on the long term, memories and anxiety will come back, even stronger than before. It is evident that the drug addict or the alcoholic are destroying themselves, evidence is overwhelming, but these behaviours repeat again and again. Here the intelligence is annulated to serve the compulsion.
False obligations and duties can also be considered false beliefs. For example, a young person who sacrifices his life as to please the parents, or the partner, or whoever, instead of following his own dreams and wishes. This person does not act with intelligence. Intelligence should serve to provide satisfaction and peace of mind, not frustration, unless it is absolutely necessary.
We also have a lot of invented fears. The individual in those cases does not act for fear of the consequences. The problem is that, many a times, these consequences are only in their imagination, they are not real. Sometimes people do not act fearing what the others would think or say, instead of taking into consideration the profit or non profit of such actions. What is true is that we can never know what the others really think, these are only fantasies.
The search for “gods” is another very popular belief. Lots of people tend to believe that there are human beings who do everything well, plus they are handsome, intelligent, invulnerable and good people. There is nothing negative in their personalities, only excellence. These ideas are usually projected in famous people, such as scientists, intellectuals, or artists. These people could be using their intelligence in a very efficient way in some fields, but not in all of them. We know that Picasso has been a magnificent painter, but we also know that the way he treated women was very abusive and inefficient. We tend to see the whole orange looking at only one slice. So many people want to become like these gods that only exist in their heads. We cannot reach that excellence, it is impossible, but trying again and again provokes desperation and feelings of incapacity. Another obstacle to our intelligence, this time because we do not get information before judging. If we compare ourselves with the gods, we are all surely very insignificant. Fact is that there are no gods on earth, only human beings.
Men are like this and women are like that, the eternal debate, we do not have evidence whatsoever, only generalities that blind us enormously, and blindness is another way to put our intelligence on hold. It is evident that not every woman is the same, neither man. Just looking at their physical appearance is enough to understand it. Nevertheless in relationships between women and men, both adapt their behaviour to the concept they have about the other sex, forgetting about the individuality of that person and the way he/she behaves in reality. Again intelligence is not put to detect reality and act consequently in an efficient way. Fantasy prevails as a truth.
Talking about fantasy, there are many and much generalized. Let’s take the example of love. People keep on searching this love without frontiers, sublime, where there is a total understanding and, in spite of our own experiences, the statistic rate of divorces and what we know and hear from others, we insist in finding it. This ideal love does not exist, it is only a human desire transmitted through art. We deny the fiction of novels and films, although we know it is only a fiction. Something else, and looking at reality is that we can love somebody enough to live with and share some thoughts and feelings, being aware that is not an unconditional love. Once again we leave aside our intelligence when looking for a partner, we get blinded through our fantasy and do not look at the other the way he or she is.
How many people have the fantasy that if they sacrifice themselves for the other they are going to obtain affection, approval or even admiration from this other! They dedicate their lives to please the others without differentiating, becoming thus the slaves of the others. From the intelligence point of view this is a failure. Sacrifice has always been a very cruel way to content the gods. It does not bring positive consequences for the one sacrificing, neither his demands get fulfilled. And nevertheless people keep on doing it. Plato, asked about the keys to success said “I do not know the best way to succeed, but I do know the best way to failure which is trying to please everybody.”
Wanting to go through life without fear or pain, as if human beings could be invulnerable is another false belief. There are two kinds of suffering: the real one, caused by events such as death, divorce, economical ruin, natural catastrophe, etc., and the invented one, much more frequent, caused by our false beliefs. When somebody is worried for example, he is suffering for something that is not yet happening and eventually will never happen. Intelligence is again not being used to see the present. Instead the person falls into an obsessive thought that brings only uneasiness. It is like experiencing a future that is not yet there.
Media, specially commercials, encourage us to be always strong, courageous, invulnerable, young, just by buying a certain car or by drinking a certain drink, and even if what I say seems very absurd, reality demonstrates that the continuous repetition of such a stupidity, influences us all, in a bigger o lesser degree. So there are a lot of people that following those false beliefs, will contract a debt in order to buy that car even if they do not need it or buy the drink even if they do not like the taste. And again intelligence fails.
More typical for men than for women is the belief one can always win. The winner is somebody who learnt a lot from his failures. The one, who always wants to win, will become a looser. It is again quite absurd to think that there are people who always win.
What about sexuality and all the myths surrounding it? We would need another article to talk about all the false beliefs around the practice and the sexual desire.
There are also plenty of false beliefs about what is good or bad. If we leave the infantile concepts about it, good and bad are relative and they mainly depend on the consequences, not just on the good intention. Again there are lots of people believing that totally good persons or totally bad persons exist and this is false. So we need to analyze the consequences of our actions, otherwise we are again making a bad use of our intelligence, and will repeat an inefficient action again and again.
The norms and rules they taught us as children are only the result of our parent’s beliefs. Many people follow those exactly as they were told when they are grown ups, whether they like them or agree with them or not. They justify themselves saying that this is the way they were brought up, as if the home rules would be the only ones in the world. They do not use an intelligent reflection to see if these norms and rules of their infancy are suitable for them at present.
Superstitions, rituals, horoscopes, tarot, destiny and so many other things that lead us astray from our path, from what would be beneficial for us. The firm belief in magic, gives the responsibility of our actions to phenomenon impossible to investigate. If Saturn is responsible for my bad temper or my failure, I do not need to think about it in an intelligent manner, analyzing the facts and gaining tranquillity. I do not use my intelligence to learn out of the mistakes or conflicts that come my way. I know that the cosmos influences the earth, but not as far as to be responsible for my actions or my moods.
Last but not least I want to talk about religions. Whatever religion we confess to and before accepting their rules and precepts, it is necessary to differentiate what are the positive and negative consequences of such precepts. In the Catholic Church for example, condoms have been prohibited, increasing enormously the births in poor countries and thus having terrible consequences for the healthy development of those countries, allowing at the same time the spreading of venereal diseases that cause many deaths like it is the case of AIDS.
All human beings have false beliefs, some people more than others. As much as we are able to dismantle them we will gain clarity of mind, will be more realistic and we will use our intelligence in a much more efficient way.
Psychotherapy is the process by which a person becomes more conscious, more aware, about who he really is, how he acts in life, and what the repercussions of his actions are. In this way his conflicts become clearer and he can modify the way he relates to others and to the world, so that he can find inner peace.
There are several schools of psychology with similar or different techniques, all of them aiming to alleviate the unnecessary suffering and to strengthen the self confidence.
Human beings, besides our more or less neurotic conflicts, are full of false beliefs and idealizations. We also have the bad habit of deceiving ourselves, in order to avoid being responsible for our own actions. The problem is that the more we try to hide, excuse, manipulate or pretend who we really are, in our relations to others or to our own selves, the more we become confused and anxious. We just increase our insecurity and the lack of self confidence. It is extremely difficult to play a role or pretend all the time.
Among our false beliefs, there is one well settled: the one telling us that we can become our ideal. First of all, ideal beings do not exist, only in our minds, in religions (saints, martyrs..), films and literature (the hero, the rescuer, the winner, the invulnerable…) and in arts in general. These are just desires of the human race, impossible to reach and therefore absurd. Trying to reach these ideals only brings desperation.
The real suffering in life is unavoidable, and nobody escapes from it. We have to accept it and wait until it passes. Losses, separations and deaths of loving ones are the kind of life sufferings we cannot avoid. They provoke a natural sadness and we all go through them. But if we add the imagined, fantasized and neurotic suffering, then life becomes sometimes unbearable.
Mental and emotional health depends on the degree of acceptance we have about ourselves, knowing that we are not perfect and can never reach perfection. Besides, it is not necessary in order to have a pleasant and productive life.
Thus, the psychotherapy is a journey into the life of the patient, accompanied by the therapist, in order to discover who hides behind the appearance. In order for it to be successful we need the collaboration of our patients and their wish to start such a journey. Otherwise no professional can help us. We are no gods or clairvoyants, we need our patients to share their secrets with us, so that we can understand their sufferings and try to find a way out.
Hay muchas escuelas de psicología y cada una tiene unas técnicas, a veces similares y a veces distintas. Sin embargo el fin es siempre el alivio del sufrimiento innecesario y el fortalecimiento de la confianza en uno mismo.
Los seres humanos, aparte de nuestros conflictos más o menos neuróticos, estamos llenos de falsas creencias y de idealizaciones. También tenemos la mala costumbre de auto engañarnos para así no ser responsables de nuestros actos. El problema es que cuanto más intentamos tapar, excusar, manipular o disimular quienes somos en realidad, frente a los demás o frente a nosotros mismos, más confusión y angustia nos provocamos. Solo acentuamos la inseguridad, la falta de confianza en nosotros mismos, pues es muy difícil jugar un papel todo el tiempo.
De entre las falsas creencias hay una muy asentada y es aquella que nos dice que podemos alcanzar nuestro yo ideal. La primera falsa creencia es que hay seres ideales, cuando esa palabra es un derivado de idea, no de realidad. El ser ideal esta en las religiones (los santos, los mártires), en las películas, la literatura y el arte en general (el héroe, el salvador, el controlador, el invulnerable, etc..), pero eso son sólo anhelos del ser humano, imposibles de alcanzar y por tanto absurdos. Cuanto más intentamos alcanzar ese ideal, mas nos desesperamos.
La vida acarrea sufrimiento y del sufrimiento real, nadie nos puede aliviar, sólo hay que aceptarlo y esperar a que pase. Las pérdidas, la separación, la muerte de nuestros seres queridos, son sufrimientos propios de la vida, que nos provocan tristeza y todos pasamos por ello. Pero si además añadimos los inventados, imaginados, neuróticos, entonces la vida se nos hace insoportable.
La salud mental, el equilibrio emocional, está en relación con el grado de aceptación que tengamos de nosotros mismos, a sabiendas de que no somos perfectos ni lo podemos ser. Además de que no es necesario para llevar una vida agradable y productiva.
Así la psicoterapia se convierte en un viaje por la vida del paciente, acompañado por el profesional, para ir descubriendo quién se esconde detrás del personaje. Para ello naturalmente se necesita la colaboración y el deseo del paciente de hacer ese viaje. Si no es así, entonces ningún profesional puede ayudarnos. No somos dioses, ni videntes, necesitamos que nuestros pacientes vayan desvelándonos sus secretos para así entender los motivos de su sufrimiento y buscar una salida.
Intelligence is a capacity that should serve to progress in life and attain the inner wellbeing. However human beings are full of false beliefs, from pure self deceiving to religious beliefs and these myths and taboos are many a time responsible for restraining the development of our intelligence, instead of using it in an efficient way.
False beliefs have a lot to do with lack of information or simple stupidity. I call it stupidity because these beliefs are sustained in spite of contrary evidence. For example the myth that we should not eat much in the evening because we will not sleep well. If we look at the animal behaviour or simply the Spanish habit of having a siesta (highly recommended by doctors!?), we can see that the wish to rest after meals is quite natural and healthy. Another thing is that the food we ingested was not good for our stomach, but then we are talking about digestion, not about resting. Another false belief that causes a lot of distress is that all parents have always good intentions, even if they are mistreating their children or abusing them sexually. How do we know about the intentions of the human beings? The fact of being a parent does not make us good people.
False beliefs have a lot to do with culture and upbringing. For example in the Muslim cultures eating pork meat is prohibited. These are very hot countries and pork meat deteriorates very quickly. In the beginning it was only a health measure that in the course of time became a religious belief. Fastening for Catholics has a similar origin. The transgression of such a taboo provokes guilt feelings and remorse and in such a state the individual cannot use his intelligence to decide.
Another very common false belief is that babies and small children “don’t realize anything”. There are many studies showing the opposite, but the false belief prevails. What is true is that small children cannot reason and their conscience I not yet formed, but it is very false to believe that they do not get affected by our actions. And because they cannot reason, whatever happens to them will be recorded by their brains, with positive or negative consequences in adulthood. So whatever parents and grown ups in general tell them will stay as a truth, even if it is a stupidity. If we tell a child, for example that he is naughty or incapable just because he made a mistake, he will still believe it when he grows up even if evidence demonstrates the contrary. This false belief, that he is incapable together with the evidence that it is not true, increases the feeling of anxiety, a feeling that stops the development of intelligence. This person will not dare to start a project, or an idea, because the fear to fail or simply to make a mistake paralyzes him.
Believing in absolutes is also false. There is no hundred percent in human behaviour. Neither in love, or hate or beauty, or intelligence, these are only desires. An individual can only reach a goal if this goal is possible, he is got the potential for it, put his strength to get it and the circumstances are favourable. A person wanting to reach perfection is following a path of unnecessary frustration and pain, perfection does not belong to this world. Every human being has limits, we all have a breaking point. There are no people with unlimited capacities. Intelligence should be put to the service of analyzing what are the gains and losses when we exceed our limits.
The “magic path” is another false belief. Many people believe that wishing something together with the so called “good luck” is enough to obtain what they want. They do not make any efforts or prepare the path so that it happens. Consequences are them frustration and self hatred. And if they meet somebody with a more pleasant life, they believe they had good luck, instead of thinking about the effort and perseverance that allowed that person to have reached that state. People assume things without having the necessary information to judge. Or just the opposite, a person who is convinced of having bad luck, will not change his perspective or attitude, even more, he pays very much attention to anything negative happening to him, as to confirm his belief and disregards the positive side of his life and the opportunities that he did let go.
The “magic path” includes also the excessive intake of drugs or alcohol, as a means to forget or diminish anxiety. Momentarily we can feel that sensation, but on the long term, memories and anxiety will come back, even stronger than before. It is evident that the drug addict or the alcoholic are destroying themselves, evidence is overwhelming, but these behaviours repeat again and again. Here the intelligence is annulated to serve the compulsion.
False obligations and duties can also be considered false beliefs. For example, a young person who sacrifices his life as to please the parents, or the partner, or whoever, instead of following his own dreams and wishes. This person does not act with intelligence. Intelligence should serve to provide satisfaction and peace of mind, not frustration, unless it is absolutely necessary.
We also have a lot of invented fears. The individual in those cases does not act for fear of the consequences. The problem is that, many a times, these consequences are only in their imagination, they are not real. Sometimes people do not act fearing what the others would think or say, instead of taking into consideration the profit or non profit of such actions. What is true is that we can never know what the others really think, these are only fantasies.
The search for “gods” is another very popular belief. Lots of people tend to believe that there are human beings who do everything well, plus they are handsome, intelligent, invulnerable and good people. There is nothing negative in their personalities, only excellence. These ideas are usually projected in famous people, such as scientists, intellectuals, or artists. These people could be using their intelligence in a very efficient way in some fields, but not in all of them. We know that Picasso has been a magnificent painter, but we also know that the way he treated women was very abusive and inefficient. We tend to see the whole orange looking at only one slice. So many people want to become like these gods that only exist in their heads. We cannot reach that excellence, it is impossible, but trying again and again provokes desperation and feelings of incapacity. Another obstacle to our intelligence, this time because we do not get information before judging. If we compare ourselves with the gods, we are all surely very insignificant. Fact is that there are no gods on earth, only human beings.
Men are like this and women are like that, the eternal debate, we do not have evidence whatsoever, only generalities that blind us enormously, and blindness is another way to put our intelligence on hold. It is evident that not every woman is the same, neither man. Just looking at their physical appearance is enough to understand it. Nevertheless in relationships between women and men, both adapt their behaviour to the concept they have about the other sex, forgetting about the individuality of that person and the way he/she behaves in reality. Again intelligence is not put to detect reality and act consequently in an efficient way. Fantasy prevails as a truth.
Talking about fantasy, there are many and much generalized. Let’s take the example of love. People keep on searching this love without frontiers, sublime, where there is a total understanding and, in spite of our own experiences, the statistic rate of divorces and what we know and hear from others, we insist in finding it. This ideal love does not exist, it is only a human desire transmitted through art. We deny the fiction of novels and films, although we know it is only a fiction. Something else, and looking at reality is that we can love somebody enough to live with and share some thoughts and feelings, being aware that is not an unconditional love. Once again we leave aside our intelligence when looking for a partner, we get blinded through our fantasy and do not look at the other the way he or she is.
How many people have the fantasy that if they sacrifice themselves for the other they are going to obtain affection, approval or even admiration from this other! They dedicate their lives to please the others without differentiating, becoming thus the slaves of the others. From the intelligence point of view this is a failure. Sacrifice has always been a very cruel way to content the gods. It does not bring positive consequences for the one sacrificing, neither his demands get fulfilled. And nevertheless people keep on doing it. Plato, asked about the keys to success said “I do not know the best way to succeed, but I do know the best way to failure which is trying to please everybody.”
Wanting to go through life without fear or pain, as if human beings could be invulnerable is another false belief. There are two kinds of suffering: the real one, caused by events such as death, divorce, economical ruin, natural catastrophe, etc., and the invented one, much more frequent, caused by our false beliefs. When somebody is worried for example, he is suffering for something that is not yet happening and eventually will never happen. Intelligence is again not being used to see the present. Instead the person falls into an obsessive thought that brings only uneasiness. It is like experiencing a future that is not yet there.
Media, specially commercials, encourage us to be always strong, courageous, invulnerable, young, just by buying a certain car or by drinking a certain drink, and even if what I say seems very absurd, reality demonstrates that the continuous repetition of such a stupidity, influences us all, in a bigger o lesser degree. So there are a lot of people that following those false beliefs, will contract a debt in order to buy that car even if they do not need it or buy the drink even if they do not like the taste. And again intelligence fails.
More typical for men than for women is the belief one can always win. The winner is somebody who learnt a lot from his failures. The one, who always wants to win, will become a looser. It is again quite absurd to think that there are people who always win.
What about sexuality and all the myths surrounding it? We would need another article to talk about all the false beliefs around the practice and the sexual desire.
There are also plenty of false beliefs about what is good or bad. If we leave the infantile concepts about it, good and bad are relative and they mainly depend on the consequences, not just on the good intention. Again there are lots of people believing that totally good persons or totally bad persons exist and this is false. So we need to analyze the consequences of our actions, otherwise we are again making a bad use of our intelligence, and will repeat an inefficient action again and again.
The norms and rules they taught us as children are only the result of our parent’s beliefs. Many people follow those exactly as they were told when they are grown ups, whether they like them or agree with them or not. They justify themselves saying that this is the way they were brought up, as if the home rules would be the only ones in the world. They do not use an intelligent reflection to see if these norms and rules of their infancy are suitable for them at present.
Superstitions, rituals, horoscopes, tarot, destiny and so many other things that lead us astray from our path, from what would be beneficial for us. The firm belief in magic, gives the responsibility of our actions to phenomenon impossible to investigate. If Saturn is responsible for my bad temper or my failure, I do not need to think about it in an intelligent manner, analyzing the facts and gaining tranquillity. I do not use my intelligence to learn out of the mistakes or conflicts that come my way. I know that the cosmos influences the earth, but not as far as to be responsible for my actions or my moods.
Last but not least I want to talk about religions. Whatever religion we confess to and before accepting their rules and precepts, it is necessary to differentiate what are the positive and negative consequences of such precepts. In the Catholic Church for example, condoms have been prohibited, increasing enormously the births in poor countries and thus having terrible consequences for the healthy development of those countries, allowing at the same time the spreading of venereal diseases that cause many deaths like it is the case of AIDS.
All human beings have false beliefs, some people more than others. As much as we are able to dismantle them we will gain clarity of mind, will be more realistic and we will use our intelligence in a much more efficient way.
Internet, los teléfonos móviles, las redes sociales, son instrumentos que están en manos de las personas durante muchas horas al día. Ya los bebés de menos de 2 años intentan utilizar las tabletas a veces incluso con éxito. A nivel social e institucional la mayoría de la comunicación es virtual.
Si observamos a las gentes por la calle, en el trabajo, en el hogar, la mayoría de la información que reciben es a través de una pantalla o de un texto cada vez mas comprimido, que incluso ha generado una nueva ortografía. Esa información puede ser veraz o no, manipulada, hecha a base de montajes, con identidades falsas, etc.. Podemos encontrar desde lo mas bello hasta lo mas terrible con una facilidad pasmosa. Y luego están los juegos, que se cuentan por miles y que se pueden jugar a nivel individual o internacional y a los que están enganchados muchas personas de todas las edades, especialmente los jóvenes y niños. Estos juegos están tan increíblemente bien hechos, que a veces es difícil diferenciarlos de la realidad, como por ejemplo los juegos de guerra. Para un niño chiquito que ya de por si confunde la fantasía con la realidad, ¿qué consecuencias le va a traer en su adultez?
En la familia vemos constantemente como cada miembro de ella al llegar a casa, se aíslan con su aparato, para leer, estudiar, chatear, mirar vídeos, jugar, para detrimento de la comunicación cara a cara. Incluso en los restaurantes vemos a las familias comiendo juntos, cada uno con su aparatito.
Los que hemos nacido antes o al principio de la era de los ordenadores, tenemos mas claro y podemos diferenciar entre lo virtual y lo real, pero yo me pregunto que va a pasar con las nuevas generaciones que nacen ahora y están creciendo con los dispositivos electrónicos.
Observando la imagen de alguien utilizándolos y fijándonos solo en la forma, vemos a un individuo que tiene los ojos fijos en la pantalla con lo cual no ve nada a su alrededor, los oídos tapados por auriculares con lo cual tampoco oye mas que lo que viene de la misma, la cabeza agachada que a la larga producirá lesiones en el cuello y los pulgares moviéndose continuamente lo que está ya produciendo problemas en las falanges.
Entonces da igual que la persona esté en campo, la ciudad o la playa, porque no ve ni oye nada y tiene las manos ocupadas. Son tres sentidos que se apartan de la realidad y otra vez me pregunto cómo van a evolucionar los seres humanos en el futuro.
Existe una nueva generación de ordenadores que se llaman “wearables” que viene a querer decir “llevarlo puesto” en forma de relojes con pantalla, gafas o incluso en la ropa. Ya se están comercializando. Hay un cochecito de bebe con pantalla incorporada que ya está a la venta. Desde el punto de vista técnico es espectacular y muy atractivo, para chicos y mayores, el aumento de las adicciones al ordenador da buena fe de ello.
Botellones, protestas, revoluciones, se organizan a través de los teléfonos móviles. Los rumores de cualquier tipo se expanden como un virus en pocos minutos, sin control e imposible de remediar. La infidelidades, el acoso y también el emparejamiento a través de las redes sociales va creciendo de forma alarmante. Las redes de pedofilia se extienden por todo el mundo y son muy difíciles de detectar, incluso por la policía especializada.
El espionaje, las guerras comerciales o reales se producen también ya por ordenador, controlando las informaciones, copiando los diseños, interceptando o cambiando mensajes del enemigo.
Entran mas de 100 horas por minuto de vídeos en youtube, existen ya mas de mil millones de usuarios de Facebook y los mensajes por WhatsApp diarios ascienden a diez mil millones con 250 millones usuarios activos por mes en 2013. En cuanto a los tweets, tenemos diez mil millones de tweets al día con 250 millones de usuarios activos por mes. El logo es un pajarito puesto que tweet en ingles es el piar de un pájaro. Asi que parece que andaremos todo el dia piando.
Entre la documentación que ha hecho publica Snowden las agencias de seguridad de USA y el Reino Unido (que sepamos) están sacando todo tipo de datos a través de los teléfonos móviles, desde la edad y el genero hasta nuestras agendas, amigos, gustos y personalidades con fines políticos y también comerciales, en función de las paginas que visitamos, los contactos con las redes sociales, los juegos, etc.
Y volviendo a la niñez, que es lo que me ocupa, ¿qué relación va a tener el niño con la pantalla? ¿Será como otro educador, como un yo auxiliar? ¿Tendrá mucha confusión interna puesto que va a recibir informaciones contradictorias constantemente? ¿Aprenderá a discriminar? ¿Cómo se relacionará con las personas de verdad?
Esto no hay modo de pararlo, su desarrollo va a una velocidad meteórica y además es muy útil, interesante y atractivo. Solo me pregunto como evolucionará la raza. Pero está claro que es lo que mas está cambiando a la sociedad en general, desde el individuo hasta las mas altas instituciones mundiales.
Las creencias falsas tienen mucho que ver con la falta de información o la simple estupidez. Y le llamo estupidez porque dicha creencia muchas veces prevalece a pesar de la evidencia. Tomo como ejemplo el mito de que no se debe cenar mucho porque no nos va a permitir dormir placidamente. Si miramos el comportamiento animal o simplemente la española costumbre de dormir la siesta, vemos que el deseo de descansar después de comer, es algo natural y beneficioso. Otra cosa es que los alimentos que hayamos ingerido no sean bien digeridos por nuestro estómago, pero entonces estamos hablando de la digestión, no del dormir. Otra falsa creencia que hace mucho daño es que los padres tienen siempre buena intención, aunque maltraten a sus hijos o abusen de ellos sexualmente. ¿Cómo sabemos de la intención de los demás? El hecho de ser padres no nos convierte en buenas personas.
Las falsas creencias tienen mucho que ver con la cultura y la educación. Por ejemplo, en las culturas musulmanas existe la prohibición de comer cerdo. Son países muy cálidos y la carne de cerdo se corrompe muy rápidamente. En un principio fue simplemente una medida sanitaria, que con el tiempo pasó a ser una creencia religiosa. El ayuno en cuaresma también orígenes parecidos. Si se transgrede la prohibición, aparece el sentimiento de culpa y esa culpa remuerde la conciencia y no deja al individuo decidir por si mismo.
Una falsa creencia muy extendida entre los adultos es que los bebés y los niños pequeños “no se enteran de nada”. Hay muchos estudios que demuestran lo contrario, y sin embargo, prevalece la creencia. Lo que es cierto, es que el niño pequeño no es capaz de razonar ni tampoco tiene formada la conciencia, pero es falso pensar que no le afectan las cosas. Por lo mismo que no es capaz de razonar, todo aquello que le sucede se le queda grabado y ello tendrá consecuencias en la adultez. Entonces, lo que los padres y los adultos en general les hagan o les digan, tenderá a permanecer como una verdad, aunque sea una estupidez. Si al niño, por ejemplo, le decimos cada vez que se equivoca que es malo o tonto, en vez de simplemente decirle que se ha equivocado, prevalecerá en él esa creencia, aunque luego, de mayor, la evidencia demuestre todo lo contrario. Esa falsa creencia, que es tonto, junto con la evidencia de que no es verdad, hace crecer el sentimiento de angustia, uno de los factores que más frenan el desarrollo de la inteligencia. Esa persona no se atreverá a poner en práctica un proyecto, una idea, porque el miedo al fracaso, o a la simple equivocación, le paraliza.
Las creencias en lo absoluto son otra falsa creencia. En el comportamiento humano no existe el cien por cien. Ni amor, ni odio, ni belleza, ni inteligencia, son sólo anhelos. Así, el individuo sólo puede alcanzar una meta si dicha meta es posible, tiene las potencialidades necesarias, pone su fuerza en conseguirla y las circunstancias que le rodean son favorables. La persona que quiere alcanzar la perfección, está metida en un camino que sólo le va a traer desgracia y frustración, la perfección no es de este mundo. Todos los seres humanos tenemos límites, todos tenemos un punto de ruptura, aunque sean distintos según la persona. No hay personas con capacidades ilimitadas y la inteligencia debe ser puesta al servicio de analizar las ganancias y las pérdidas cuando sobrepasamos nuestros límites.
El camino mágico, otra falsa creencia. Muchas personas creen que el deseo y la llamada buena suerte, son suficientes para lograr lo que quieren. No hacen el esfuerzo necesario, ni preparan el camino para que surja la oportunidad. Las consecuencias esta vez son la frustración continua, la auto condena. Y cuando ven a personas con una vida más o menos placentera, dicen de ellas que han tenido buena suerte, no se plantean el esfuerzo y la perseverancia que han llevado a esa persona a estar donde está. Se asumen cosas sin tener la información necesaria para poder calibrarlo. O bien lo contrario, aquel que está convencido de su mala suerte, con lo cual no pone empeño en cambiar su perspectiva o su actitud, es más, está atento a todo aquello que le acontece de negativo, como una confirmación de su creencia y deja de lado lo positivo que hay en su vida o las oportunidades que se presentan y no sabe aprovecharlas.
En el camino mágico se encuentra también la ingesta excesiva de drogas o alcohol, como medio para olvidar o para disminuir la angustia. Momentáneamente podemos sentir esa sensación, pero a la larga, tanto la angustia como el recuerdo volverán, incluso con mayor fuerza. Es evidente que el toxicómano o el alcohólico se esta autodestruyendo, la evidencia es abrumadora y sin embargo la conducta sigue repitiéndose. La inteligencia queda anulada al servicio de la compulsión.
Los falsos deberes y obligaciones podemos considerarlos también como falsas creencias. Así por ejemplo un hij@ que en vez de seguir sus metas personales las sacrifica para complacer a sus padres, o a su novi@, no está actuando de forma inteligente. La inteligencia debe estar al servicio de procurar satisfacción y sosiego, no sentimiento de frustración, salvo que sea absolutamente necesario.
Los miedos inventados. Aquí la persona no actúa por miedo a las consecuencias. El problema es que a menudo esas consecuencias están sólo en la imaginación, no son reales. Otras veces es por el qué dirán, en vez de tener en cuenta si esa actuación va a ser provechosa o no. Y realmente, si nos lo planteamos, no podemos saber con certeza qué van a pensar los demás.
La búsqueda de los dioses, es otra falsa creencia muy difundida. Muchas personas creen que hay seres humanos que todo lo hacen bien, y que además son guapos, inteligentes, invulnerables, buena gente. No hay nada negativo en ellos. Se suele proyectar esto en personajes conocidos, ya sean científicos, intelectuales o artistas. Esas personas pueden estar utilizando su inteligencia de una forma muy eficaz en algún campo de su vida, pero eso no quiere decir que lo hagan en todos. Sabemos que Picasso fue un magnífico artista, pero también sabemos que en su trato con las mujeres era muy ineficaz y malvado. Se tiende a hacer una naranja entera de solo un gajo. Esto nos lleva a querer emular a esos dioses que solo existen en nuestras cabezas y, al no conseguirlo, por imposible, nos provoca sentimientos de incapacidad. Otro freno más a la inteligencia, esta vez por no informarnos antes de emitir un juicio. Si nos comparamos con los dioses somos efectivamente muy incapaces. La evidencia es que no hay dioses sobre la tierra, sólo seres humanos.
Los hombres son así y las mujeres son asá, eterno debate, pues no tenemos evidencia ni de lo uno ni de lo otro, son simples generalidades que nos ciegan enormemente y la ceguera es otra forma más de frenar la inteligencia. Es evidente que no todas las mujeres son iguales, como los hombres tampoco. No hay más que mirar sus características físicas para comprenderlo. Sin embargo, en las relaciones entre hombres y mujeres, tanto unos como otras adaptan su comportamiento al concepto que tienen sobre el otro sexo, sin tener en cuenta la individualidad de esa persona y su forma de comportarse en la realidad. Otra vez la inteligencia no es puesta al servicio de detectar esa realidad y actuar en consecuencia de forma eficaz. La fantasía prevalece como verdad.
Y hablando de fantasías, hay muchas muy generalizadas. Tomemos por ejemplo el amor. Se sigue buscando ese amor sin fronteras, sublime, donde hay una comprensión total y, a pesar de nuestras propias experiencias, del índice de divorcios que tenemos estadísticamente y de lo que vemos y oímos de los demás, seguimos empeñados en conseguirlo. Ese amor ideal no existe, es un deseo humano transmitido a través del arte. Negamos la ficción de películas y novelas, aunque sepamos que así es. Otra cosa y ya con los pies en la tierra es que no podamos amar a una persona lo suficiente como para querer convivir con ella, compartir pensamientos y sentimientos, pero sabiendo que no es un amor incondicional. Otra vez dejamos de lado la inteligencia a la hora de buscar pareja, nos cegamos por la fantasía y no vemos al otro tal como es.
Cuántas personas tienen la falsa creencia de que si se sacrifican por el otro, obtendrán el cariño, la aceptación o incluso la admiración de ese otro. Se dedican a complacer a los demás sin diferenciar, y de este modo se convierten es esclavos del otro, lo cual, desde el punto de vista de la inteligencia es un fracaso. El sacrificio siempre ha sido un método bastante cruel para contentar a los dioses. No trae consecuencias positivas para el que se sacrifica, ni obtiene lo que esperaba del otro y, sin embargo, se perpetúa la conducta. Ya lo dijo Platón cuando fue preguntado por las claves del éxito: “no conozco el mejor camino para alcanzar el éxito, pero si para conseguir el fracaso: intentar complacer a todo el mundo”.
Pasar por la vida sin miedo y sin dolor. Como si los seres humanos fuéramos invulnerables. Otra falsa creencia. Hay dos clases de sufrimiento: el real, producido por eventos tales como una muerte, divorcio, ruina económica, catástrofe natural, etc., y el inventado, mucho más frecuente, que tiene mucho que ver con las falsas creencias. La preocupación por ejemplo. La preocupación es querer ocuparse del algo que no ha sucedido todavía y que a lo mejor ni siquiera va a suceder. La inteligencia aquí fracasa de nuevo, pues deja de estar al servicio de la realidad y se enfrasca en un pensamiento rotatorio que nos provoca una sensación de desasosiego innecesaria. Es como si estuviéramos viviendo un futuro que no ha acaecido todavía.
Los medios de comunicación, especialmente la publicidad, nos animan a conseguir ser siempre fuertes, valientes, invulnerables, jóvenes, a lo mejor sólo por comprar el coche de una cierta marca o tomar una cierta bebida y, aunque parezca absurdo lo que estoy diciendo, la realidad demuestra que la repetición continua de tan tamaña estupidez, nos influye a todos, a unos mas y a otros menos. Y así hay muchas gentes que por seguir esas falsas creencias, se endeudarán para comprar el coche aunque no lo necesiten y beberán aquella bebida aunque su sabor no les agrade demasiado. Y vuelve a fracasar la inteligencia.
Más propio de los varones que de las mujeres es la creencia en que se puede ganar siempre. El ganador es alguien que ha aprendido mucho de sus fracasos. Aquel que quiere ganar siempre, suele convertirse en un fracasado.
¿Y si nos ocupamos de la sexualidad y de todos los mitos que la rodean? Necesitaríamos otro artículo para poder hablar de todas las falsas creencias alrededor de la práctica y del deseo sexual.
También hay muchas falsas creencias en torno a lo que es bueno y a lo que es malo. Si nos salimos de los conceptos infantiles, el bien y el mal son relativos y dependen principalmente de las consecuencias, no solo de la buena intención. Hay mucha gente que cree que hay personas que son totalmente buenas o totalmente malas, algo que es mentira. Si no analizamos en la realidad las consecuencias de nuestros actos, estamos haciendo de nuevo un mal uso de nuestra inteligencia, y repetiremos ese acto ineficaz, una y otra vez.
Las normas y las reglas que nos enseñan en la infancia, que son el resultado de las creencias de nuestros padres. Muchas personas siguen esas creencias al pie de la letra cuando ya son mayores, aunque no se encuentren a gusto o no estén de acuerdo con ellas y se justifican diciendo que así les educaron, como si las reglas de su casa fueran las únicas en el mundo. No se utiliza la reflexión inteligente para ver si esas normas que pudieron ser útiles en nuestra infancia, siguen siéndolo para nosotros hoy día.
Las supersticiones, los rituales, el horóscopo, el tarot, el destino y tantas otras cosas que desvían nuestro camino de lo que sería beneficioso para nosotros. La creencia firme en la magia, responsabiliza a fenómenos no investigables, de las consecuencias de nuestros actos. Si Saturno es responsable de mi mal humor o de mi fracaso, no necesito reflexionar de manera inteligente para analizar los hechos y ganar tranquilidad. No uso la inteligencia para aprender de los errores o de los conflictos que van surgiendo. Y no dudo que el cosmos tenga influencia sobre la tierra, pero no hasta el punto de ser responsable de mis actos o mi humor.
Y por último quiero citar las religiones. Independientemente de la religión que se profese, antes de cumplir con los preceptos que esa religión predique, es necesario reflexionar sobre qué consecuencias son positivas y cuáles no. En la iglesia católica, por ejemplo, se ha estado prohibiendo el preservativo, lo cual dispara los nacimientos los países pobres, con nefastas consecuencias para el desarrollo de sus sociedades, o permite que se propaguen las enfermedades venéreas, causando incluso la muerte, como es el caso del sida.
Todos los seres humanos tenemos creencias falsas, algunas personas más que otras. Y en la medida en que somos capaces de desmontarlas, iremos encontrando más claridad de mente, estaremos más en la realidad y haremos un uso mas eficaz de nuestra inteligencia.
Child abuse has been happening throughout history in all cultures and religions and unfortunately keeps on happening much too often. However in this article I am not going to write about the horror happening to infants around the world (sacrifices, torture, slavery, child pornography, child trafficking, etc..). I’d like to focus on the daily child abuse in countries considered rich and democratic and inflicted by parents and tutors of all social status and religions. Childhood goes from 0 to 10 or 12 years of age, depending on the maturity of the individual. It is in this period of time where personality and character are formed and it will depend on how this child has been treated by adults, as far as this child was born healthy and has not suffered from serious accidents, illnesses or losses.
The younger the person, the more he/she is influenced by the way he/she is treated. There is a false belief that children “don’t get it”. It is exactly the opposite. Everything happening to a child from the very beginning of its life is registered in its brain just the way it happened. They do not have yet the capacity to think about or reflect on it, because they haven not lived enough as to learn from experience. The younger a child is the more vulnerable to harm.
Basic security, the one that will give us self confidence as adults is built in the first years of life. If a child receives enough protection and love, it will keep on getting more and more independent and will explore its surroundings with the confidence that it can go back to parents any time it needs. If this is not the case, anxiety starts building up inside, resulting in an increasing unhealthy dependency on the parents, it will stick to them. Later, as an adult, this dependency will be generalized to anyone, looking for the approval they did not get during childhood.
A child needs the grown ups for survival, whether they are parents or tutors. To children, parents are almighty, their reference in life. All kind of abuse is taken by the child as deserved. It does not yet conceive that it is an abuse of power from the grown ups and that is why it takes all the guilt. Little by little this child will start believing that it is not valid as a person, its self esteem will be very negative and it will be convinced that if its own parents did not care, nobody else will ever do.
What is abuse? If we take away extreme poverty, which is in essence an abuse, and we try to classify it somehow, we would have abandonment, sexual abuse, violence, physical or psychological aggression and negligence. In all cases it is an abuse of power (a child cannot defend itself) and a lack of empathy towards the child, as the grown up does not care for the damage he/she is inflicting.
Every time we terrorize a child unnecessarily, there is abuse. Fear, as I explained in another article, stops the healthy development of personality and intelligence. Of course what terrorizes a child is not the same as what terrorizes an adult. If we observe the child, if we look at its reactions to what we are saying or doing and its body language reflects anxiety or fear, it is evident that we are causing it pain. Of course parents make mistakes and hurt children unnecessarily sometimes, but if this happens frequently, then we are facing abuse.
There are plenty of parents with good intentions, wishing the best for their children and even though, they are inflicting unnecessary pain to them. They are more concerned about being a good parent than taking care of the child’s needs. A good enough parent can be seen in the healthy development of the child, intentions are not enough if we do not take the consequences into consideration.
It is considered abandonment when the absence of parents/tutors is frequent and during long periods of time. I am not talking about the normal work hours of parents, as long as the child is been taken care by other capable adults. In divorces and separations, for example, it happens too frequently that one of the partners takes distance from the children for reasons of personal convenience. Children sent to boarding schools before the age of 10-12 who only see their parents a few times a year. Nannies or family members that substitute parents most of the time, including weekends and holidays, because said parents do not show enough interest in their children. That is, if children grow up without the regular presence of parents or tutors, the feeling of abandonment and solitude will settle deeply into them and this feeling will persevere for the rest of their lives.
Sexual abuse is much more extended than what we want to acknowledge. In most cases the abuser is a member of the family, a close friend, a teacher, that is, people who have gained the confidence of the child. Starting with obscene sentences all the way trough rape, sexual abuse means using the child as an object for the pleasure of the abuser. Sometimes it is done threatening the child with horrible consequences if it speaks about it, other times, maybe worse, in the name of love. Instinctively the child senses that there is something wrong in what is happening to it, it gives him/her a lot of anxiety, but because it is done by people next to him it also produces a lot of confusion. This child will learn through this abuse that the others can use its body whenever they want and in the way they want. Sexual problems in adulthood will be the norm.
Violence towards children is still in many cases accepted. They call it upbringing. There are all kinds of it: slapping, beating with the hand and all kind of objects, hair pulling, ear pulling, etc., sometimes so hard that the child finishes in hospital. It is very surprising to see how we attend adults that have been aggressed and how we punish the aggressor. What would happen if any time an adult would not meet his duties, or would break an object or would spill some liquid on the table, he/she would be punished with a slap to teach him/her not to do it again? Considering that an adult is responsible for his actions and knows his obligations, why do we punish children harder? If we ask the child it would tell us that it had no bad intention, that it was an accident and when they do it on purpose it is because we have previously frustrated it too much.
Watching violence produces the same effects on children. When parents fight or one of the siblings is beaten the child observing it receives abuse as well. As I said before, children take the guilt of anything negative happening in their families. Domestic violence produces adults that will mostly become either aggressors or victims, repeating what they once experienced.
Emotional aggression consists of all kind of hurting words or gestures towards the little ones, excessive manipulation and control, of induced guilt feelings, demands that surpass the capacity of a child’s given age, of humiliations and contempt. A child makes frequent mistakes because it is learning, it does not know enough yet. We have to repeat many times the same thing, their memories are building up, and they get easily distracted. These are appropriate traits in infancy. But it does not mean that they are bad, or stupid or useless, they simply made mistakes and we have to teach and motivate them so that they keep on learning. If we aggress them, they get upset and fearful and the learning stops. If we tell them with our attitude that they cannot make mistakes (mistake = punishment) the consequence is that they will become stern perfectionists suffering a lot of anxiety (perfection is an addiction) or will hide into passivity as a means to avoid failure, loosing then many of its talents. We all make mistakes, big mistakes, all the time, just look around you, we are not an example of perfection.
A child is sometimes sad, or angry, the emotions in children are exaggerated because they are still very vulnerable. If there is too much control at home, they will not be allowed to express them. If it is about emotional pain the control happens to avoid the feelings of guilt of the parents. When it is anger the control happens to avoid their own angry feelings or frustration towards the children. We teach them to repress their natural feelings, to swallow tears or anger even when we eventually have taught them how to be angry. Again if this behaviours are too frequent, the child will turn into a very repressed or a very angry person and thus very anxious. To accompany children in their emotions, whatever they are, is the best way to teach them how to moderate them and mature.
Extreme demands, excessive rules and norms kill the creativity and the authenticity of a child. Children need some limits for them not to feel lost, but if there are too many limitations, children get very frustrated, they loose their freedom, became little robots and will tend to blind obedience in adulthood, or will become so rebellious that they will be uncontrollable. On top of it, the incapacity to reach grown ups demands gives them the feeling of being useless.
Last not least negligence is very common. Those children who do not receive enough tenderness and attention, nobody listens to them as if they would not interest their parents, sometimes they even represent a burden for them. Parents who do not spend time playing with them, talking to them. Very often the only words addressed to them are orders, instead of talking and answering their questions. They are not accompanied in their development, or in their curiosity, as if they had to grow like plants. Those children grow up with the feeling of insignificance and this feeling will again accompany them for the rest of their lives.
It is a fact that children only copy parents/tutors and they do it for love. We are their role models, they copy what we do, not what we tell them to do. What they do not understand is that we ground them for things we have taught them with our attitude, they get very confused. The difference between what we say and what we do confuses them. And if we tell them we do it for their own good when we are abusing them, they will finish up believing that love and abuse is the same thing.
Bringing up children is one of the most difficult jobs we do in our lives. It consists of making adults that feel valid and able to cope with problems in life. And of course there are no perfect parents, only kind and understanding enough, always taking into consideration the age of the child. But if we are aware that a child is the germ of an adult, treating them with love and care would make much healthier and tolerant adults.
Cuanto mas pequeña es una persona, mas le influencia su entorno y el trato que se le dé. Existe la creencia bastante generalizada que “los niños no se enteran de nada”. Realmente es justo lo contrario. Todo lo que le ocurre a un niño desde que nace queda grabado en su cerebro tal y como sucede, ya que todavía no tiene capacidad de pensar o reflexionar puesto que no ha vivido lo suficiente como para aprender de su experiencia. Cuanto más pequeño, mas vulnerable al daño.
La confianza básica, aquella que nos dará la seguridad en nosotros mismos en la adultez, se forma en los primeros años de la vida. Si el niño recibe la suficiente protección y amor, podrá irse independizando y explorando el entorno, con la confianza de que sus padres acudirán cuando lo necesite. En caso contrario, la angustia comenzara a gestarse en su interior, tenderá a una dependencia malsana de sus padres, aferrándose a ellos, dependencia que luego como adulto, generalizará a todos los demás, buscando la aprobación que no obtuvo en la niñez.
El niño necesita de los adultos para sobrevivir, ya sean padres o cuidadores. Para el niño, los padres somos todopoderosos, su referente en la vida. Todo tipo de maltrato es interpretado por el niño como merecido. Todavía no concibe que se trate de un abuso de poder por parte de sus mayores y se llena de culpa. Poco a poco y a medida que va creciendo, ese niño tendrá la sensación de que no es válido como persona, su autoestima será muy negativa y tenderá a creer que si sus propios padres le rechazaron, los demás seres humanos también lo van a hacer.
¿En que consiste el maltrato? Si quitamos la pobreza extrema que por si misma ya constituye maltrato, e intentamos clasificarlo de algún modo, tendríamos el abandono, el abuso sexual, la violencia, la agresión psíquica y la negligencia. En todos los casos se trata de un abuso de poder (el niño no se puede defender) y a una falta de empatía por parte de los mayores hacia el daño que se le está provocando.
Cada vez que aterrorizamos a un niño innecesariamente, le estamos maltratando. El miedo, como ya he explicado en otro artículo, frena el desarrollo sano de la personalidad y la inteligencia. Claro que lo que asusta a un niño no es lo mismo que lo que asusta a un adulto. Si miramos al niño, si observamos sus reacciones frente a lo que les estamos diciendo o haciendo, y su expresión corporal refleja miedo o angustia, es evidente que le estamos haciendo daño. Por supuesto que los padres nos equivocamos y hacemos daño innecesario alguna vez, pero si esas actuaciones son frecuentes, entonces estamos maltratando al niño.
Hay muchos padres de buena intención, que desean lo mejor para sus hijos y que sin embargo les procuran un daño innecesario. Están más centrados en ser buen padre o madre que en cubrir las necesidades de sus hijos. El buen padre y la buena madre están en función de cómo se desarrolla el hijo y la buena intención no es suficiente si no contamos con las consecuencias.
Se considera abandono cuando la ausencia paterno/materna es frecuente y durante largos espacios de tiempo. No me refiero aquí al horario de trabajo normal de los padres, siempre que los niños queden al cuidado de personas capaces. En los divorcios y separaciones por ejemplo, sucede con demasiada frecuencia que uno de los progenitores se aleja de sus hijos por razones de conveniencia personal. Niños que se educan en internados antes de los 10-12 años y que solo ven a sus padres algunas veces al año. Niñeras y familiares que substituyen a los padres casi a tiempo completo, incluidos fines de semana y vacaciones, por la falta de interés de dichos padres en la educación de sus hijos. Es decir, todos los niños que se crían sin la presencia asidua de los padres o cuidadores, crecerán con el sentimiento de abandono y soledad, sentimiento que les acompañará a lo largo de sus vidas.
El abuso sexual está mucho más extendido de lo que se quiere reconocer. Generalmente sucede por parte de los propios padres, familiares o amigos muy cercanos, profesores y tutores, es decir por adultos que se han ganado la confianza del niño. Desde frases obscenas, pasando por tocamientos hasta llegar a la violación, el abuso sexual es la cosificación del niño. En muchos casos se produce amenazando al niño con terribles consecuencias, para que guarde el secreto, en otros seduciéndolo en nombre del “amor”. El niño sabe instintivamente que lo que le está ocurriendo es “algo malo” que le angustia mucho, pero como procede de adultos que están a su cargo o de amigos de la familia, le produce también una gran confusión. Ese niño aprenderá a través del abuso, que los demás pueden usar su cuerpo como quieran y cuando quieran.
La violencia con los niños sigue estando aceptada en muchos casos. Se le llama educación. Desde el tortazo, pasando por golpes, tirones de pelo, de orejas, palizas con la mano o con objetos diversos (reglas, perchas, cucharas de palo, etc.) hasta la violencia que acaba con el niño en el hospital, tenemos todo tipo de variedades de abuso de poder. Es curioso ver cómo se atiende a los adultos que sufren de agresión física por parte de otro adulto y como se castiga al agresor. ¿Qué pasaría si cada vez que un adulto no cumpliera con su obligación, rompiera algún objeto o derramara una copa de vino, le atizáramos un bofetón para “enseñarle” a que no lo vuelva a hacer? Andaríamos todo el día en la policía denunciándonos unos a otros. Y sin embargo el adulto ya está “educado” y es responsable de sus actos. ¿Cuántas veces se le pega al niño por cosas similares? Y si preguntamos al niño nos dirá que lo hizo sin querer, o que estaba explorando algo nuevo. Rara vez lo hace adrede para fastidiarnos, salvo que nosotros previamente le hayamos agobiado demasiado.
Para los niños, la observación de la violencia hacia otros, les produce casi el mismo daño: ver como el padre/madre pega al hermano, cómo la pareja se agrede físicamente, también es una forma de maltrato. Como decía antes, el niño siempre piensa que es más o menos culpable de lo que está pasando. La violencia en el hogar produce adultos que se convertirán mayoritariamente en agresores o en víctimas, repitiendo en sus vidas lo mismo que vivieron de niños.
En la agresión psíquica hablamos de palabras o gestos hirientes hacia los pequeños, de manipulación o control excesivos, de sentimientos de culpa inducidos, de exigencias que están más allá de lo un niño puede alcanzar según su edad, de humillaciones y desprecios. Un niño se equivoca constantemente por la sencilla razón de que está aprendiendo. Hay que repetirle las cosas veinte veces porque su memoria está en formación o porque está distraído, todo ello propio de la infancia. Pero eso no lo hace malo, ni torpe, ni estúpido, simplemente se ha equivocado y hay que enseñarle y motivarle para que la próxima vez lo haga mejor, no reprenderle para que se angustie y repita el fallo una y otra vez por el miedo que tiene a la regañina. Acabará aprendiendo que no se puede equivocar y, o bien se convertirá en un perfeccionista con la angustia que eso conlleva (la perfección es una adicción), o bien se refugiará en la pasividad por miedo al fracaso perdiendo así muchos de sus talentos. Equivocarse es de humanos y si miramos un poquito a los demás adultos y a nosotros mismos, veremos que no somos ningún ejemplo de perfección, mas bien al contrario. Un niño puede estar enfadado o triste, emociones propias de todos lo humanos. En el niño son aún muy exageradas porque todavía son muy vulnerables. Cuando hay demasiado control, no se le permite al niño expresarlas, el dolor porque angustia a los mayores que se suelen sentir culpables y la rabia porque molesta o nos pone agresivos a nosotros. Le enseñamos a ocultar sus verdaderos sentimientos, a tragarse las lagrimas o el enfado, a pesar de que este ultimo se lo hemos enseñado nosotros cuando nos alteramos en demasía con ellos. Y si esto ocurre de forma frecuente, se convertirá en un adulto reprimido y por tanto muy angustiado. Acompañar a los niños en sus emociones, sean las que sean, les enseña a moderarlas, a madurar.
Las exigencias desmedidas y el exceso de reglas y normas, matan la creatividad y la autenticidad del niño. A los niños hay que ponerles ciertos límites, para que no se sientan perdidos, pero si los limites son demasiado estrechos, se le está coaccionando su libertad, se les convierte en “robotitos” y tenderán a la obediencia ciega y serán fácilmente manipulables en la adultez.
Y por último pero no menos importante es la negligencia. Son esos niños desatendidos, faltos de ternura y de protección, a quienes no se escucha, ni se presta suficiente atención, que pareciere que no interesan a sus padres, que representan una carga para éstos o una molestia. No se juega con ellos y en muchas ocasiones apenas se les habla si no es para darles órdenes, no se les explican las cosas que preguntan o que van descubriendo, no se les acompaña en su crecimiento, ni en su curiosidad, como que tuvieran que crecer como las plantas. En español diríamos “dejados de la mano de dios”. Y así crecen con un sentimiento de insignificancia que les acompañara a lo largo de sus vidas.
Hay que saber que los niños sólo copian a los adultos y lo hacen por amor. Somos su modelo de conducta y por mas que les atoremos las orejas con sermones, acabarán copiándonos. Lo que les confunde es que les regañemos o castiguemos por aquello que nosotros hacemos y que sólo están copiando. Ahí empieza su confusión, provocada por la disparidad que existe entre nuestras palabras y nuestros actos. Y si encima les decimos que lo hacemos por su bien mientras los estamos maltratando, acabarán creyendo que el amor y el maltrato son cosas similares.
Educar es uno de os trabajos mas difíciles que existen, ya que se trata de hacer adultos que se sientan válidos y puedan enfrentarse de forma madura a los problemas de la vida. Y por supuesto no hay padres perfectos, sólo suficientemente amables. Pero si tenemos en cuenta que el niño es el germen del adulto, solo cuidando de la infancia, podremos conseguir un mayor grado de empatía y tolerancia entre los seres humanos.
A los niños se les sigue, no se les persigue.
Fear is an adaptive scheme for survival and defence among all living creatures. Its response is fight, flight or submission.
When we are scared our facial expression changes, our pupils expand, eyes and mouth open, heartbeat accelerates as well as sweat, glucose levels and blood pressure increase, we might shiver or freeze, get rigid, even when those fears exist only in our minds.
Human beings are full of fears, it is eventually one of the most frequent affective responses. The difference with other creatures is that we do not only respond with fear towards a real threat, but we have a lot of invented, fantasized or acquired fears. Among these, false beliefs, such we take as true without any previous reflection, are a major source of fears.
We mostly fear death, or life which is the same. This fear is behind a lot of our behaviours even if we try to hide it to others or to our own selves. We transform it into rage, violence, control, indulgence or blind obedience.
In our culture fear seems to be prohibited, to the point that its name has been changed. We call it anxiety, anguish, stress, unease.. in a effort to hide it, as if it was possible to go through life without it. Many individuals suffering from high blood pressure or too much cholesterol are in reality just scared, even if they do not know who or what is causing it.
Funnily enough we live in the culture of fear. Through media we are constantly bombarded with present and future dangers. Reality gets so exaggerated that it turns into drama and most people take it like an absolute truth, without reflecting. It is the best weapon to reach political domination and social control.
Fears start in childhood. Parents and tutors more or less consciously terrorize children unnecessarily, intending to control or to make them behave the way grown ups wish. The reasons are more often egocentric (so that the child does not annoy) than trying to accompany or nurture them.
Every time we scare a child unnecessarily, we are diminishing its self esteem, stopping its intellectual and emotional development. Fear does not allow them to think or feel freely. They get confused. There are the roots of the fears that will accompany us along life. Those fears get fixed, they can turn into neurosis like phobias, obsessions, depression, compulsions and so many other symptoms we treat in therapy.
Loosing is a big fear but, whatever we do, just because of time, we are continuously loosing something or someone to end up loosing our own lives. We do not want to loose in a game or loose life, or the partner, or parents, or business, or jobs. We just want to be winners all the time. Publicity seduces us by saying that it is possible.
Many of our fears are based on projections: fear about “what the others will think” as if we could know the thoughts of people; fear not to reach “the level” not even knowing what level are we talking about; fear to the future, as is the future would only be negative and we could know it; fear to be rejected, to be abandoned, to say our opinion, not to cope with the expectations of others. As I said, these fears are the result of childhood experiences, if our parents and tutors were too demanding, or rejecting, or abusive, or neglecting.
The childhood fears get generalized to the rest of the population in adulthood and we think that everyone is going to react the same way our parents and tutors did. Therefore many individuals try to adapt to others, repressing their spontaneity, their natural self in a very blind way, and the only thing they achieve is an increase of anxiety.
Another fear, talking in Jungian terms, is the fear of our own shadow. We fear not to be our ideal self, the one we have as a model, as to gain the full confidence in ourselves (nobody is that confident) and be accepted by every one, even if we do not accept many. We do not want to see ourselves the way we really are, for fear of discovering some attitudes or feelings that we consider negative or weak. Curiously many people fear the fear, they would see themselves as cowards and it does not fit into their ideal self.
Pain produces a lot of fears too. We want to go through life without it. This is very absurd indeed. Physical as well as emotional pain are unavoidable in life. Some take it as a weakness.
The consequence of repressing fears is becoming even more frightened and getting a lot of psychosomatic diseases, or the imperious need of control, or the transformation of fear in anger, hatred or envy. Acknowledging our fears help us to dedramatize, and not to become cold and hard persons pretending we are invulnerable.
The other side of fear is the fascination it produces. Terror films or shows, high risk sports, amusement parks are full of people wanting to experience fear. Is it just a familiar feeling or eventually a way to feel alive for persons having their emotions blocked?
Our minds are very powerful and invented fears can take extraordinary dimensions. Once we experience them in reality it turns out to be much more bearable and smaller or eventually non existent.
Psychology professionals cannot help their patients when the suffering comes from real threatening situations, but we can help a lot alleviating their invented fears, the anxiety, so that the person can have a more pleasant and fruitful life.
Cuando tenemos miedo la expresión facial se transforma, las pupilas se dilatan, los ojos y la boca se abren, el ritmo del corazón se acelera, así como la sudoración, nos sube la glucosa, la presión arterial, nos tiemblan las piernas, nos quedamos paralizados, rígidos, aunque sólo se trate de miedos imaginados.
El ser humano está lleno de miedos, quizás sea la respuesta afectiva mas frecuente, porque a diferencia de los demás seres vivos, tenemos muchos miedos inventados, imaginados, adquiridos, además de los miedos ante situaciones de amenaza real. Las falsas creencias, creencias que se toman tal cual sin mediar una reflexión o una indagación sobre a verdad de lo que nos cuentan, procuran miedo muy frecuentemente.
El miedo principal es a la muerte, o a la vida que viene a ser lo mismo. Ese miedo está a la base de muchas de nuestras conductas, aunque muchas veces se oculte a los demás o incluso a nosotros mismos. Lo transformamos en ira, violencia, control, complacencia y/o obediencia ciega.
Parece que en nuestra cultura esté prohibido el miedo, hasta le han cambiado el nombre. Le llaman ansiedad, angustia, estrés, en un intento de ocultarlo, como si pudiéramos pasar por la vida sin él. Muchas de las personas que tienen la tensión alta, o sufren de estrés o tienen problemas cardíacos, o el colesterol alto, están realmente muertas de miedo, aunque no sepan o no sepamos a ciencia cierta qué o quién se lo está provocando.
Y en contradicción con lo anterior, vivimos en una cultura del miedo. A través de los medios de comunicación se nos aterroriza con peligros presentes y futuros. Se exagera la realidad de tal manera que se convierte en un drama y el público lo toma como una verdad absoluta, otra vez sin reflexionar. Es la mejor manera de conseguir la dominación política y el control social.
El miedo comienza en la infancia. Los padres y tutores, mas o menos conscientemente, aterrorizan al niño innecesariamente, en un intento de controlarlo, de conseguir que hagan lo que los mayores quieren, mas por motivos egocéntricos (para que el niño no de la lata) que realmente para educarlo, acompañarlo.
Y toda vez que asustamos a un niño innecesariamente, le estamos mermando su autoestima, le estamos paralizando en su evolución, en el desarrollo de su inteligencia, pues el miedo le impide pensar y sentir libremente. Le estamos confundiendo. Ahí está la raíz de los miedos que nos acompañarán después de adultos, a lo largo de la vida. Esos miedos se quedan ahí fijados, se pueden convertir en neurosis, como las fobias, las obsesiones, la depresión, las compulsiones y otros muchos síntomas que tratamos constantemente en terapia.
Los seres humanos tenemos mucho miedo a perder y por más que hagamos, simplemente por efecto del envejecimiento vamos continuamente desprendiéndonos de cosas, personas y de la propia vida. No queremos perder al parchís y no queremos perder la vida, o la pareja, o los padres, o el negocio, o el puesto de trabajo. Solo queremos ser ganadores y la publicidad nos engaña diciéndonos que podemos conseguirlo.
Muchos de nuestros miedos se basan en proyecciones propias. El miedo al “que dirán”, como si uno pudiera saber lo que piensan los demás, el miedo a no estar “a la altura”, sin saber muy bien de que altura estamos hablando, el miedo al futuro, como si el futuro fuera siempre negro y lo pudiéramos conocer. El miedo a no ser aceptado, el miedo al abandono, el miedo a decir lo que uno piensa, el miedo a no cumplir con las expectativas del otro…. Estos miedos son el resultado de las vivencias infantiles, de si nuestros padres y tutores nos exigían demasiado, o nos rechazaban, o nos maltrataban, o nos sentíamos abandonados por ellos.
Esos miedos infantiles, en la madurez, se generalizan al resto de la población y se supone que los demás van a responder de la misma forma que lo hicieron nuestros padres o tutores y con las mismas reglas que tenían ellos. Como consecuencia de ello, muchas personas intentan adaptarse, o reprimir su espontaneidad, su naturalidad, en un intento ciego de adaptarse a los demás, pero lo único que consiguen es llenarse de mas angustia todavía.
También está el miedo a la propia “sombra” en términos de Jung. Tenemos miedo de no ser nuestro yo ideal, aquel que nos gustaría alcanzar, para que entonces nos sintiéramos seguros (en todo momento) y fuéramos aceptados (por todos, aunque nosotros no aceptemos a muchos). No queremos vernos por dentro, vaya a ser que descubramos actitudes o sentimientos que nosotros consideremos negativos o débiles. Es curioso como muchas personas le tienen miedo a tener miedo, pues eso les convertiría a sus propios ojos en cobardes.
El dolor también nos produce miedo, queremos pasar por la vida sin dolor. Otro absurdo. Desde el dolor real de la enfermedad física hasta el dolor emocional, es imposible no pasar por el dolor, y sin embargo muchas personas lo consideran una debilidad.
La represión del miedo trae como consecuencia, no sólo un miedo mayor, sino muchas enfermedades psicosomáticas, la necesidad imperiosa de control, la transformación del miedo en ira, en odio o en envidia. El reconocimiento del miedo nos ayuda a desdramatizar, nos impide convertirnos en personas frías y duras que aparentemente lo encajan todo, se atreven a todo, sin consecuencias.
Luego está la fascinación que produce el miedo. Las películas o espectáculos de terror, los deportes de alto riesgo, la montaña rusa u otros espectáculos de feria atraen a muchísimo público como si quisieran experimentar más miedo aún. ¿Será que resulta una sensación muy familiar o acaso es una forma de sentirse vivo en personas que tienen muy bloqueados sus sentimientos?
Nuestras mentes son muy poderosas y los miedos imaginados pueden tomar unas dimensiones extraordinarias. Después, cuando ese miedo se vivencia en la realidad, resulta ser en muchas ocasiones bastante mas llevadero y menor en sus dimensiones.
Nosotros, los profesionales de la psicología, no podemos ayudar al paciente cuando hay situaciones de miedo reales, si podemos sin embargo aliviar los miedos imaginados, la angustia, de modo que la persona pueda llevar una vida más placentera y sosegada.
Abused women are generally young women, too naive for their age. They get infatuated, fascinated by a certain kind of man, the so called seducer/abuser. These women get enchanted hearing the words they were longing to hear, maybe because they are not used to hear compliments about their persons. These women usually come from a more or less abusive environment. They were already terrorised in their childhood and grow up with such an insecurity, that they are not able to see reality. They rather follow what they dream of, instead of paying attention to what is really happening. They mostly need admiration and the abuser is very aware of it. He watches his prey closely as to know when she believes his words. These women, on the other hand, need to be brought to the world of fairy tales, the world of princess and princesses, of passionate and eternal love, as a way to compensate the inner feeling of not being worth enough to be loved. In the meantime the abuser starts controlling their behaviour, he tells them what they have to do, how to dress, talk or make love. Whenever these women do not adapt to his wishes, he starts getting angry, or silent and indifferent, or threatens them or even gets violent. And they do not want him to be angry for fear to be left alone. These women are not yet even thinking if they love that man, they are too desperate to be loved so that they would give anything to obtain it (sometimes their own life as we know). The fear of being abandoned is too big. In their lack of realism, they want to attain a relationship that exists only in poetry or in films. This kind of love, this perfect union is not possible among human beings. Life is much too difficult to be in harmony with the partner all the time.
As time goes by in this kind of relationship, he starts taking possession of her personality, blames her for whatever goes wrong, including what he does wrong. She becomes the “garbage bucket “of all his frustrations. So she tries harder and harder as to have peace and be again admired by him, like in the beginning. The reason is that she gets convinced to be source of all the problems. She is too obsessed with the idea of changing him so that she can hear his beautiful compliments as to listen to the little wise voice that tells them to run away. They get too confused cannot think clearly anymore since the abuser has manipulated them too long. They already came into the relationship with a very fragile identity and he undermined it even more. The more he takes possession of her personality and the more she sacrifices herself for the sake of peace, the more this woman falls into a big depression. The seducer/abuser is never satisfied and slowly but surely the seducer disappears and only the abuser remains. If she tries to rebel the couple gets into a very dangerous war, bringing both into such an escalation of violence, that sometimes the woman gets killed.
In fact nowadays there are still too many women with the tendency to obey and submit to men’s wishes and needs, way too long after having reached adult age, as if they were still under their father’s authority. This feminine behaviour, old and deeply rooted in all societies, is partly responsible of the occurrence of abuse. By the first signs of abuse it would be healthy and natural to leave the relationship, even if it seems hard to do. But deep down, the abused woman thinks she is capable of changing/rescuing the abuser, it becomes her only purpose, forgetting much too often about herself and about the children if they have any. Some abused women who are more aware of their situation, are able to react and leave the abuser, but if they have not understood the keys of abuse, they will fall again into the hands of another one. The more they repeat the story, the more they get insecure, fully convinced of their guilt, allowing a bigger abuse and destroying themselves forever.
From another perspective it is like a dance in which the one terrorizes and the other one allows the terrorism. That is why they go on dancing together. Would it not be much more healthy and easy to run away from terror? In fact, when she tries to leave, the abuser goes after her until he is able to seduce her again and she falls into the trap once more. She believes then that he has understood and is in the process of changing, but in reality, he is just using a strategy to win her back, then he also fears to be left alone. The abuser is also a very insecure person that uses aggression as a way to intimidate his partner, so that she does not leave. And the more she takes from the abuser thinking he is going to change, the more she provokes his aggression.
The seducer/abuser is generally a very cold and possessive person, a controller, a person who does not love anyone, he just wants to use and manipulate a woman to have his demands fulfilled, not taking any consideration for the woman’s needs. It gives him a sense of superiority and power. He also comes from an abusive environment and in most cases, instead of becoming a victim like women mostly do, he becomes an aggressor. Along the time, abused women start cumulating more and more negative and sadistic feelings towards her partner, feelings they try to hide away or to blame the partner for (like the abuser did in the beginning). They cannot show these feeling because secretly they feel morally superior to them.
In his kind of relationships there is no love, just a mutual obsession. Nobody loves somebody who hurts frequently. And nobody hurts frequently. It is a case of sado-masochistic relationship, a morbid dependency that only leads to the destruction of both partners.
It would be very desirable that women become aware of their collaboration in abuse. As long as society and media only give the responsibility to the abuser, women will not realize how they tolerate this abusive behaviour. And their rehabilitation consists in pulling them out of their role of victims, rebuilding their self-esteem, so that they do not fall again into the hands of an abuser.